Something
by Evandar
Summary: Four Akatsuki relationship-based ficlets based on the old marriage rhyme. KakuHida, SasoDei, PeinKo, KisaIta
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Naruto_ and do not make profit from anything I write.

**AN:** I haven't written anything in ages... Basically, I graduated, and now I'm backpacking round New Zealand and relying on intermittant inspiration and bad internet connections to get things done. And, frankly, fanfic isn't much of a priority. BUT I'M WRITING AGAIN. And that's okay, right?

BTW, the references to Hidan's age and the length of his relationship with Kakuzu are all part of my head canon. I'll probably end up writing something longer that explains it better, but basically: Hidan's really immortal thanks to creepy religious-demonic experiments about a century before the Naruto-verse is set, rather than the kill-to-live shit that Kishimoto made up.

Something...Old

by Evandar

The people closest to them often wondered why they didn't just get married. Hidan really had no idea why. For a group of S-ranked criminals, the Atatsuki seemed oddly traditional in their views of romance. Except, it seemed, for him and Kakuzu. Truthfully, before they had joined Akatsuki and their associates had started mentioning it, marriage hadn't really crossed either of their minds. It didn't exist in Jashinism – and really, when you were immortal, 'til death do you part' took on a whole new meaning – and it was too expensive for Kakuzu to even contemplate.

And Hidan had to agree with him on that one. Who needed a piece of paper to tell them what they'd known for decades? (Not that Hidan would admit it was decades, just for the sake of his vanity. Officially, he was twenty one. He'd just been twenty one for a very long time.)

"It would be romantic, un," Deidara informed him over breakfast one morning – one of the few mornings, thankfully, that Hidan and Kakuzu were even present at the main Akatsuki base.

Hidan glared at him over his morning coffee. It was nasty cheap shit – chosen by Kakuzu, of course – with enough caffeine to give someone a heart attack. It did the job, but Hidan wasn't sure that he wanted to wake up if this was going to be his first conversation of the day.

Kakuzu just ignored the comment, and hid himself behind the financial pages of the morning paper and snared a piece of toast with some of his threads. Hidan just wished he could do the same, but his complete disregard for all things monetary had been well noted several times over and so left him without an excuse.

"Marriage, I mean, un," Deidara said, as if Hidan hadn't already figured out what he was going on about.

"Uhuh," Hidan grunted. He turned his attention back to his coffee. He didn't put much stock in romance. Never had. Who cared about flowers and chocolates when what was important was if your partner cared enough to stitch your limbs back on after a fight? Sure, they didn't act all mushy – the thought of Kakuzu being in the slightest bit chivalrous was hilarious – but that didn't mean shit.

They'd been together since before Deidara's grandparents had been born. Obviously, something was working despite the lack of paperwork to prove it.

"I can't believe you didn't look into it," Deidara continued. Next to him, Kisame closed his eyes and shook his head and continued eating his rice ball – he, at least, had figured out that there was nothing that could be said to change Hidan's – or Kakuzu's – mind. "Are you scared of commitment or something, un?"

Hidan stared at him. He wasn't sure what threw him the most about that question. That seventy-plus years of monogamy didn't scream of commitment to Deidara, or the fact that he was receiving relationship advice from someone who hadn't even noticed that "idiot" and "worthless hack" were code for "adorable" and "sweetheart" in Sasori-speak.

His silence was taken as confirmation, apparently, because Deidara nodded as though he had been proved right. "So why don't you just move on, already. Find someone else. You're not going anywhere."

The suggestion that he find someone other than Kakuzu – there had _never_ been anyone other than Kakuzu, not that he'd admit it out loud – jolted him out of his disbelieving stupor. "The fuck you say?" he demanded, straightening in his chair. His grip on his mug snapped the handle off, driving tiny shards of porcelain into his palm.

There was a rustle of paper as Kakuzu decided to actually pay attention.

"There's no fear of commitment," Kakuzu said, slowly and calmly as if he were talking to a small child – as if Kakuzu ever spoke to small children. "We just don't need, or want, to fork out an exorbitant amount of money for something so redundant."

"So shut the fuck up about it already," Hidan said.

He snagged Kakuzu's coffee mug as a replacement for his own. Kakuzu just went back to his paper, muffling his half-hearted grumble of "moron" behind lists of numbers and news of Fire Country's various successes.

Hidan hid his grin behind the porcelain rim. "Heathen fucker," he muttered back.

It was the little things that mattered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** See the first chapter.

Something...New

by Evandar

Sasori had never liked anyone before. His general opinion of the human race was so low that he'd forcibly removed himself from it. He held a vague sort of respect for some people, occasionally, but it never went beyond 'he would make a decent puppet if I could kill him'. His partnership with Orochimaru had been based on mutual loathing, and a powerful urge never to reveal his true body to the Sannin lest he try something disturbing, and they got along simply by avoiding each other's company as much as possible.

Then he was paired up with an obnoxious blond brat with a death wish and a speech impediment, and who didn't know the slightest thing about art.

It had been love at first sight. Not that Sasori had realised, at first. His few experiences with positive emotions were long buried in the depths of his psyche, and he wasn't all that keen on resurrecting them. It was only when he realised that for all Deidara tormented him; for all that he was a crap artist with no integrity, he didn't actually want the brat dead. He could tolerate his presence for days on end without being sent into homicidal rage. And when he realised that Deidara actually respected him – the suffix 'danna' was a bit of a giveaway – his chakra system sizzled in an attempt to give his puppet body warm and fuzzy feelings.

It was…different. New. Sasori usually dissected new things, but he didn't want to take a scalpel to Deidara, and to do so to himself was impractically difficult. He'd done it before. So he decided to live with it and ignore it as best he could, which admittedly wasn't very well. Hidan kept smirking at him as if he knew exactly what was going on. Sasori briefly contemplated poisoning the bastard, before he remembered that it would be a waste of time and poison to even try.

Deidara, unfortunately, remained completely oblivious to everything that wasn't made of explosive clay, or the apparent lack of romance in his new comrades' lives. If he kept poking his nose where it wasn't wanted, then Kakuzu would probably end up killing him before Sasori got the chance to do…something with the emotions that kept flooding through him. What he wanted to do, he wasn't sure. He'd made a study of human anatomy so that he could take them apart and use them as weapons; he hadn't paid much attention to their behaviour.

In fact, he was beginning to suspect a huge gap in his knowledge.

"It might help," Hidan suggested, leaning on Hiruko's carapace as if it was a table rather than a lethal weapon and knocking lightly on the head, "if you took this thing off, seriously. It's not like you look like the forty-year-old, basement-dwelling virgin you really are."

Sasori took his head off with Hiruko's tail. Then he realised that Hidan might actually have a point. The reason why he'd hidden himself from Orochimaru was because his real body wasn't exactly unattractive despite the modifications he'd made to it, and Sasori had very powerful instincts of self-preservation. He hadn't thought to show it to Deidara. He hadn't thought that Deidara hadn't realised Hiruko _wasn't_ his real body despite how oblivious he was.

It was a good idea – not that he'd tell Hidan that. Besides, it would give him the chance to give Hiruko a maintenance check.


End file.
